Someone shit on the floor
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
