sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
