This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
