Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
