chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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