I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
