How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
