Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
