Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
