okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
