Redeem this text for a blowjob
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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