My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
