I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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