If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
