Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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