my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
