Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
