I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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