I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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