just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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