If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
my liver is dry heaving
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
