I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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