i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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