ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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