I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
