God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
