I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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