you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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