You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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