I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
