I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
as a side note pls kill me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
