You just made me feel so damn special
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
