Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
