at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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