no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
this beer tastes like vomit already
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
