I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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