I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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