just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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