I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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