Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize