I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
