i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
