She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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