why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
