What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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