you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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