Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I believe in your delicious
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
