I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
