the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
