I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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