my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
