I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
