Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
