Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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